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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622274">Vampires,,, stink. Really.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossnrocks/pseuds/mossnrocks'>mossnrocks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight Series - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(A stake thru the heart), Crack, Crack Treated Semi Seriously, Ever - Freeform, Gen, Honestly this is just the cullen family not even anything else, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I haven't read Twilight, I saw a prompt on pinterest and whoo boy I made an Ao3 account just for this fever dream, I wrote this while high on pain medication after a particularly rousing cross country practice, My first fic, OOC characters, The Cullen Family - Freeform, alice is small, edward is dramatic, emmett is a dog, everyone is going to be ooc, no beta we die like vampires should, not even kidding just an absolute dog idiot, not even kidding lmao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:28:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>495</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622274</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossnrocks/pseuds/mossnrocks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically Vampires don't take showers. They're stupid. They died and their brain cells died with them. So what do they do to clean their 'quartz' skin or whatever? Blast them with a hose, obviously.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward &amp; Jasper &amp; Alice &amp; Emmett &amp; Rosalie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Vampires,,, stink. Really.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The closest thing I've come to fanfiction was a daganropa alt universe thing in which a friend and I replaced all the characters with our own. We didn't finish it. This is crack. Please do not take me seriously.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carlisle was had a long day. He wanted to wind down with a book that he had already read fifteen times laying in bed as though he really could fall asleep. Instead, he stood outside wearily, with a hose in his hand. Esme stood at his side, hands on her hips authoritatively. In a line in front of them stood the children. They were filthy. Absolutely disgusting. Dirt covered them, leaves were in their hair, and Emmett was chewing on something.</p>
<p>"What is that?" Rosalie asked. Emmett started chewing faster.</p>
<p>"NO!!!" Everyone yelled at him. Jasper hit him on the back of the head. He spits it out. It was a stick.</p>
<p>"Emmett you aren't supposed to eat those," Alice said, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "They get stuck. Do you want someone at school to notice?"</p>
<p>Emmett was looking mournfully at the stick on the ground. He did not hear her.</p>
<p>Carlisle was weary. Tired, though vampires probably shouldn't feel tired. Esme patted his arm, and he turned on the hose. It was on powerwash. It wouldn't hurt the kids.</p>
<p>Edward got sprayed first. He kept two firm hands on the brim of his shower cap because Edward didn't want to wash his hair. (everyone thought he should, Edward's hair was stinky.) He ground his feet into the ground and twisted dramatically, and Carlisle rolled his eyes. Edward was still in his teen angst phase. Rosalie went next, and she also had a shower cap on. Rose liked to clean her hair herself. She made sure that Carlisle got her face because dirt was not tolerable. After her was Jasper, who accepted his fate in the face of the hose.</p>
<p>Alice had forgotten they were getting hosed right then. She was still bouncing on her feet, talking excitedly to Emmett, who was nodding his head vigorously. In a moment, they realized their fatal-- well. <em>Could</em> have been fatal, if Alice were not a vampire. She was hit with the powerful powerwash hose and went flying. </p>
<p>She shouted in joy as she did because Alice was always finding the best in things. </p>
<p>Emmett turned eyes on the hose. It was his enemy. His rival. If he could defeat the hose, he could defeat anything. </p>
<p>He growled as Carlisle turned to face him. Then he opened his mouth, and Emmett started biting down, rapid succession, snarling all the while. The water was cold and not fit for drinking, honestly. But still, he fought. </p>
<p>"You can do it, Emmett!!" Alice shouted happily. Alice believed in him! Of course he could do it! </p>
<p>He couldn't do it. Finally, Carlisle gave a sigh and turned off the hose. Emmett was as clean as he was going to get for now, and besides. Rosalie or Edward would clean him up when it started grating on their nerves. He could go read now. Carlisle walked inside, ready to fall on the bed that was only there to seem human. </p>
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